I Can Relate to That.

So you’ve decided to separate…temporarily. Now what?

What really is the best way to utilize your time during the separation process?  Many individuals take this time to focus on “me”.  This could mean trying out some new hobbies and interests (writing, painting, crocheting, cooking, Taekwondo, etc…).  This could mean some serious soul-searching.  Start meditating and find your inner chi.  Or this could mean analyzing all other areas of your life more closely and figuring out how it all can be improved.  General consensus is that it’s much easier to love another if you love yourself and your life pre-man-of-your-dreams.

It is very simple to say that all the above is the best/wisest path to take after separating.  However, the loneliness factor inevitably kicks in.  This is the time that you analyze the various factors that led to your separation.  You might even reach out to your recently lost love, possibly hoping he will say something you want to hear or that will enlighten you about your future together.  But such an instance is a rare occurrence.  Your loved one is most likely as confused and alone as you, and they are relying on your words as well.  Obviously, not enough time has passed and the separation process continues.

During this phase of the separation where loneliness complicates and stirs-up all your emotions, you wonder - is it time to try again or is it time for someone new?  Bottom line, you want someone in your life that cares.  You balance the pros and cons of your past relationship mixed with the potential of your future.  Can you two be happy once again, or is it a lost cause?  Your greatest fear is making the wrong decision and ending up back where you started - another six months, year, or more down the drain.

The key is not to over-think the situation, take some time and sort out your feelings.  You may receive some mixed advice from friends and family, but only you can decide what is best for yourself.  Be open, be smart, and be brave.  Whichever path you choose, happiness is possible.  You have the ability to focus your mind and your heart and figure out what is best for you.  Any negative consequences you bump into as a result of your decision can be successfully combated and eliminated. 

In the end, you’ll either give the relationship a second chance or begin a new romance.  No matter what path you choose, remember not to lose focus on yourself.  Your happiness and well-being is first priority.  When you embrace this notion, the right choice will become much more clear.

What else is more comforting to someone living alone than receiving a nightly phone call from that special someone before bed?  It seems to be the next best thing when distance is involved.  Somehow, the sound of their familiar voice as your eyes are closed and the sleep-state is taking over makes it seem as if they are laying next to you, only an arms reach away.  Soon, their voice and all its soothing qualities turns a clear conversation into a few muddied syllables and suddenly - comatose.

From where does this desire to be lulled to sleep stem?  The most obvious explanation is one’s childhood.  Your mother or even your father’s voice humming a song until you fall asleep, or telling you a bedtime story as they tuck you snugly into your bed.  As adults, we still find pleasure in these practices and aren’t afraid to admit it.  Many individuals continue to seek out this nightly companionship in one way or another.

Another explanation to the origin of this desire may lie in one’s fear of being alone.  Crawling under your sheets, turning out the lights, staring into the shadows of the night - all of this can be an uncomfortable experience to some to the point where falling asleep in these conditions is quite difficult.  The sound of someone’s voice creates a sense of security.  You’re safe.  If one of these shadowy figures were to spring to life and attack, the voice on the other end of the phone would magically come to the rescue.

Whatever the explanation may be, it seems that this bedtime routine will transcend across every generation until the very end.  The yearning for companionship will always be present and especially desired on those cold and lonesome nights.  So if your still living single, no need to worry.  Happiness is only a phone call away - thank you Mr. Bell.

The thought of a break-up, depending on what side you’re on, can either make you cringe with fear or excite you with the possibilities of your newly found freedom. Some of the commonly used excuses for break-ups include: “We’re in two different places right now,” “I’m in love with someone else,” “We just don’t get along anymore,” “I’m bored of you,” “I hate your guts,” “You’re a lying, cheating piece of shit,” “You don’t show me enough attention,” “You’re too selfish,” “You’re too broke,” “You don’t satisfy me sexually,” “I need more commitment,” “I can’t handle all of this commitment,” and (my favorite) “I just need some space.”

“Space,” or in other words - “Time to grow, live, learn, develop, explore” AKA “Not be with you.”  What a wonderful feeling it must be to embrace your independence, to not rely on the comfort and companionship of others for happiness.  While this may seem all fine and dandy, it is not that easy for some of us.  Some of us (not naming any names here) feel much happier knowing they have a loyal and loving companion to call their own.  But that is exactly the problem.  When you’re in a relationship, you take on a sense of possession.  This is “MY boyfriend/girlfriend” and all you other bitches better watch out.  It is so difficult for some of us to leave our significant others’ freedom/individuality (whatever you’d like to call it) intact.  Controlling behaviors may arise that you don’t necessarily realize until its too late - you’ve pushed them away; lost them forever!

What a terrible predicament we place ourselves in, so seemingly beyond our control.  For how else can we feel about this person other then to claim them?  Tattoo their names on our bodies and our souls.  So how can we prevent ourselves from partaking in this psychologically labeled “unhealthy” relationship behavior?  (To be continued - How to Fight Away the “Crazy”.)